You’re stupid, self-centered, and moody.

Now look. I understand that at the age I am, I am not expected to get along with my mother or siblings. I think in my case there is a strange exception.

Jay.
Grow up. Get a stable job. Stop depending on your mother with the excuse that it’s hard to live on your own. Well. You have a fiance. Support her. Call me old fashioned but aren’t you supposed to support someone you propose to? You once called your ex girlfriend a parasite. The second you said that I couldn’t have thought of a more hypocritical thing to say. You don’t even like half the people you hang out with and yet you keep them around in case you need something from them. That’s all you do with me. You were a complete asshole to me and yet today you ask me if you can play my game. Then it’s of course my fault when I tell you no. I’m being a bitch. I’m being selfish. Stop using me. Stop making up excuses to win an argument. Don’t work and weed your way through so you can be right about something. Just stop. Admit you’re wrong and grow up.

Joey.
I should have told my mother to kick you out. While you were sitting there crying like a four year old because you got caught. Then come flooding in all the failures in your life. Your parents don’t like you. Things with your ex girlfriend. You put yourself out on the line for this person. Oh woe is me I just want to kill myself! No one has it easy and yet you bitch and moan to the one person who tries to help you. Yeah, I just wrote a paragraph on how he needs to grow up but at least he has fucking tried to help you. If you’re not happy with how things are, stop bitching about it and actually do something. I have the power to kick you out right now if I wanted to– oh and believe me, I do– but the thing that stops me now, and the thing that stopped me then was how my brother would resent me if I did. I guess he can get over me fucking you but he wouldn’t be able to forgive me if I gave you what you deserved. Stop being all talk. Go to Florida. Turn yourself in to the police. Get the fuck out of this house.

Mom.
I don’t hate you. You’re my mother and I love you. I just…the way you talk, how you say you hate gossiping and then all you do is talk about other people. Do you need to feel better about yourself? What’s with the drinking? Does it help you forget? I think you actually told me one time that it helps you get over how your daughter hates you. How dare you blame something like that on me. Your snotty remarks, your mocking. Little things that you do, that you keep doing, that are consistent. They hurt. How when I walk into a room you say ‘Oh. It’s Kelsea.’ Then Jay walks in and you say ‘Jaaayyy! :D’ How can you choose favorites in your children? Furthermore how can you choose a failure over the one who’s trying to get in to college that you’re forcing her to do even though you can’t pay for it. ‘You need to get scholarships and financial aid.’ Do I? Do you know how to do any of that? Are you helping me? Financial aid? There are financial aid nights that YOU can go to. You want me to go, pay for it. Mom. I don’t hate you. I hate how you act towards me. Don’t you understand? If I could get out of this house and leave you alone, I would. And then when I tell you that you get upset. You think I don’t want you around but honestly think about how much you want me around. I am absolutely not capable of leaving this house. So why are you making it hell on me? I’m not stupid. I’m not like other teenage girls. I’m intelligent and rational and I don’t understand why you can’t see that. You’ll say you know I’m smart… but you’re only going by grades. I don’t know much about the real world and I’ll struggle when I’m on my own… but I’ll make it. Whether it be to defy you, be better than Jay or just because I really need to… I will get out of this house. Somehow. I just wish that when I told you how I was feeling or how I felt when you said something to me…you wouldn’t turn it around and start crying saying that I hate you. It’s so worthless.

Kelsea.
Everyone has problems. I used to get upset when I would go to sleep at 4:30, wake up at 5:00, and then hear someone in school talking about how tired they were. All I thought about was how tired I was and how it couldn’t possibly compare. Now. Why can’t anyone understand everyone has problems. Yeah. I’m moody. I’m selfish. But I’m rational. Does anyone even try to understand how the other person is feeling? Think about yourself and then logically think about how the other person is feeling.
Joey has a lot of problems. A lot of things have gone wrong in his life and they are very sad. I would be upset too.
But he hasn’t taken any action to change or fix any of it.
Jay’s father is sick on and off which can be stressful. I honestly don’t know how he feels about taking money from my mom and dad, living in a house for no rent, not having a job and getting wasted just about every day.
Yeah.
My mother thinks that her daughter hates her and she thinks she’s a terrible mother. Maybe. At least that’s what she says. Her job has a lot of stupid, bitchy women who haven’t gotten out of highschool and she has to deal with that. She never has enough money for the things she needs so she has to ask my father. She doesn’t have enough money for the things she wants so she waits. Artificial happiness can only last so long. Really.

Ehh. Maybe I am just a stupid teenager…angsty towards everything because that’s what is expected of me. I’m just a girl fulfilling my self-fulfilling prophecy.
I guess I feel better. I still have to live here though.

You’re stupid, self-centered and moody.
I’m moody
You’re terribly dull to be with
Yes I am

All for me

It can’t get any better. I had such a very nice time… and we spent so much time together.
But… I just don’t want to tell anyone about it. Perhaps it’s the same as how when there’s a chance for you to meet my friends I tell them that we can’t… because I want you all to me.

You told me you love me. I don’t know if you could tell or not… but I cried. I’ve never had a boyfriend who felt for me how you do. I’ve never felt how I do for you. Not even out of my driveway and I’m almost balling my eyes out. I’ve never had a boyfriend love me before.

Oh Stephen. I can’t stand not being with you. I want to lay next to you and fall asleep. I want us to be together for…forever. I just feel so strongly for you… and you’re irresistible in your glasses. I love them so much…

---

While writing that I couldn’t stop crying. But alas. Our wonderful weekend is over…and it looks like I’ll be spending thanksgiving with your family. Which I would like you to double, and maybe triple check if I’m invited and you should make sure you want me there. Kay?

That’s all for now. I feel huge.

Can’t you see what you’ve done to my heart?

To think. I was miserable this morning. I was upset I missed your phone call, I was upset I was holding back how I felt, I was upset I was putting on a charade… but you were happy…and sick.

---

Love.

Love is when you want to be with someone always. That you would be content if you never saw anyone else but them. Someone you would make sacrifices for. Where the reason ‘it is for them’ is enough for anything. Loving someone means forgiving them for anything and doing your damned best for them whenever you can.
True love is real; it is a motivational force; it is a real emotion.

It isn’t taking a liking to someone, or being attracted to them; someone who makes you smile, someone who makes you laugh; that isn’t love.

When you find you love someone, you can’t live without them.
Life isn’t worthwhile without them in it.
Love is extreme.

---

When you defined it like that you had made me unsure if what I was feeling was love and not just infatuation. It was the fact though that you didn’t think I was lying. You could feel it in what I said and how I talked to you.

Sweetheart, you’re having some troubles. You won’t blame it on me but honey, I know it’s my fault. You’re making sacrifices. Friends you have known in high school are now upset with you and don’t want to be around you because of me. (Not like I’d be there.) It was my dumb actions that caused it; I am responsible for this.

Today I was thinking that maybe we won’t last forever. I’ve thought about before that we could be really great friends. Best friends even. But I don’t think that’s us. I love my best friends. I do. And I’d love you if you were my best friend. But sweetheart, you’re my boyfriend. I know it’s something obvious and something someone would say ‘duh’ to…but I don’t love you like them. I love you more. I did understand the other morning… and I’m sorry it took so long, but really, what is there to be upset about when I have you? Hug me and it’ll make it all go away. Talk to me and I can forget about it. You, sir, are what matters.

So I of all people know that when you’re– I mean generally speaking– upset, that’s all you can think of. But push your problems to another day, honey. You get to see me tomorrow… and I’ve been planning how I’m gonna greet you for about a week now.

I’m upset you’re upset.
I’m happy you’re mine.
I’m happy you can talk to me about it.
I’m happy that you will be alright.
Well. My equation points to happiness.
Smile for me, Stephen. I love you.

But I am married to your charms and grace
I just go crazy like the good old days
You make me want to pick up a guitar
And celebrate the myriad ways that I love you

Protected: Just don’t turn around

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Now that’s love.

Big dick in yer mouth all day!

Why should I be so down on myself while everyone around me cares so much that they will be there the very second I faulter? Why should I be so self centered? Hm?
You know how you have lapses in reality? I have lapses where I just fall into myself and wallow. I wallow about who I am and how I’m not good enough. I think of all the better girls there are and how they can sing or look gorgeous with all that make up…and I think… he’d surely want one of them over me…
Then I snap out of it.
I think. I shouldn’t need to be told something every day to know it’s there. Knowing it’s there is surely enough. Surely! And I know it’s there, and I know he feels it for me and no one else and I can feel it… but still.

Between you and FAJ, Rin, I’m pretty sure you two are the only ones who really mean you love me. Sure my parents can say it…but both of them only say it when they seriously mess up.
The way the both of you get upset when I’m upset… it’s a sort of loyalty…a love. It’s real.

Rin, I’m not mad at you. Have you ever seriously looked at yourself? You’re just about the cutest thing in the whole goddamn world. I could never really be mad at you… I just get jealous of what you have… not so much what… but how you have. How you have every day. How he takes care of you. How he’s always there for you. He saves you, Rin. Stephen just can’t right now, but I do really envy it.

_______________________________________

I think about him with other girls. I don’t know if I do it just to make myself upset or if it’s just the fact I haven’t ever seen him with other girls. But… he’s always laying down with her. They look perfect; they absolutely fit together. He has a smile on his face and she’s fallen asleep at this point.
I don’t know if I’m thinking about what the before me was or what but I dunno. It doesn’t always make me feel bad… it’s more of a curious thing to think of.
Rin, do you remember Josh? I was so worried he would like Sarah more than me. Although Sarah is extremely bitter, I know that if you talk to her for long enough, the bitterness goes away and what’s left is an awesome sense of humor…and she’s really very attractive.
Why do you think you haven’t met Sarah yet?
I’ve thought about Stephen falling for you too, Rin. :\ Wouldn’t that be nice? It’d be an awfully cute couple…

I don’t know why I do this. I’m not trying to hurt myself or anyone or anything but I get so worried when I get upset. I think that if I’m upset then he’s upset…eventually he’ll get sick of me being upset and want someone who isn’t always upset… someone who is usually happy and doesn’t let things get to her… I never feel good enough. He’s just too goddamn awesome.

It’s late. He said he’d call tonight…I have a feeling I’ll miss the call. Not on purpose, but bahcuz this new phone sucks at ringing when Stephen calls.

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I’m always in

Be patient
Is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious

It’s too much.

I feel bad saying it. I feel bad asking when I know it won’t happen. I feel bad that it’s actually the only thing I want for my birthday.
I just want you there for it.

I don’t want you to tell me that if that’s what I want then alright…I like surprises…I don’t like asking for surprises… if you can’t make it, you can’t make it. I want my birthday on my birthday.
I want you to sweep me off my feet and take me away. I’ll be 17…is that important for anything? Age didn’t matter to begin with. I want you to take me away to somewhere where we can be completely alone. I want to lay with you, be with you, sleep with you. I want to kiss you and hold you. I don’t need jewelery…I need you. (I feel like Rin has said that)

I don’t like how if I ask for something for my birthday I get it and it’s no surprise…I really do like surprises… just…when they work out…and if I like it… it depends on the surprise, you know? I don’t want someone to surprise me and then be upset if I don’t like it. That sorta thing.

I love you honey…and I’m sorry for being this way with my birthday…you try having your birthday by a holiday.

My birthday sucks every year, babydoll. Perhaps I’d see you the week after…I know it’s still a while away…but. I dunno. I feel like it’s closer than it should be.

…I dunno. I figured I should tell you.

Now you’re becoming everything

Cement.

You see them holding hands. They look inseparable. You see him put his arm around her and as he brings her in you think how nice. Could never last. They are the couple that’s young. They are new love.

We are that couple. And honestly…I see no reason for us to get bitter and have our love become angry. Why can’t we be together? Why can’t we just stay each other’s? There is no reason. Only a fool would look down upon our love. A bitter fool jealous of what they don’t have.
And we have it all in each other.

I know what it’s like to be in a relationship where you’re only there because you can’t get out of it. You make excuses and try to tell yourself that the person you’re with makes you happy…when they really don’t and you’re just hooked.
I had that with you before.
I will not let you have that with me. I can be better than that. I don’t want to hurt you…and it hurts me to know that I hurt you very often… close behind how much I make you happy.

Stephen! Don’t you dare ever think that I want to hurt you. I know you don’t…but in times you can get upset and I don’t know what you’re thinking.

I don’t know why…and it’s not to say your words don’t mean anything to me…but you’ve done certain things lately to show me that you’re serious, and, sweetheart…I hope you know what you’re doing.
You’ve told your parents about me. For a normal high school relationship that would just be normal. Going over his house, meet his parents, go to his room and hang out. Not for us…it’s quite different for us. I am young and it is clear to your parents that you’re serious if you want them to meet me… and I would really like to. :3
You told Kami. I don’t know if that was hard for you…I can imagine it would be but oh my god. I hope you know what you’re doing. You’ve known him a lot longer than you’ve known me…and he is a close friend… I hope you know him well enough to know he’ll come through and talk to you again…because Stephen…I don’t want to come between that. And I know I haven’t known him as long as you have but I don’t think you should underestimate his anger. What I did to him was very bad and although you think you have not wronged him, in a way you have.

I feel like I’m risky to you. That although I love you, I am young. I think I’ll be different when I’m older and if we’re still together if it’ll have a negative impact. Perhaps that’s why people who are together for so long begin to dislike each other…because they grow up and out of how they were…
I hope you can accept me as I grow and I don’t mean my age, but how I am as a person. It is likely to change.

Oh god. Stephen I love you. I’ve held back from adding ’so much’ to it because I like you so much and that would translate to loving you…but I don’t think love fits it. Adore is below. Like is below. Thinking yer kinda cute is below. I love you, Stephen. I love you so much.

And you’re a damned mad man for being in love with cement.

And somehow you’re full of forgiveness
I guess it’s meant to be

And so on.

*sniff* Adorable movie.

I used to be completely wrapped up in having a relationship. It would be the only thing that could ever, ever complete me. The fact that I didn’t have anyone would be the thing I’d blame my depression on. Then from that things like ‘I was good enough for anyone anyway’ and things like that would come up.
Then. I got to being sex crazed and no longer really caring about a relationship, just where I could get sex and only that.

Oh but now I have you. How nicely we can bring the two extremes together. I hate thinking that this is all sort of pretend because I’m in high school and I’m pretty much always reminded any relationship you have in high school won’t last. Well, you’re not in high school…does that mean there’s a chance?
:3 Ya make me so damn happy that when I think about it I start to cry. I’ll honestly tell you I’ve thrown around the word ‘love’ and said it when I thought I meant it…but there is no other word at this point to describe how I feel for you.

Nungh. Rin makes me feel bad for saying I want you to get me things. I kind of wish I hadn’t even written it… I don’t need things to make me happy…I just need you. I don’t need sex or foreplay, I just need you near me. Your mother said girls my age are fickle…I know I’ve shown you that she’s right…but I’m pretty sure I can do a much better job at proving her wrong. I know I hate it when my mother’s right. ;)

I get so excited over you! It’s finally late enough where I can go to bed so I can wake up and see you tomorrow!
Maybe I can talk to you before I go to bed…if not, it doesn’t matter. :3 I can dream about you and I even get to see you tomorrow.

Oh love.

Here’s to me
To you
To us
To everything
I hope it never falls apart

Why do you believe me?

Oh God. I swear…I just keep lying.

I’m looking out for you though, really. I wish money wasn’t such a big deal…and I mean it when you don’t have to spend money on me. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable…even if it is just lunch.
I don’t want to take advantage of you. I’m not with you because I want you to buy me things or because you have money… I’m with you because of how you make me smile.

But I just keep lying. I really do want you to buy me things. Pretty things. Things my parents can’t get me that a boyfriend would. I feel really guilty about wanting it too.
Just pretty things though…if I had money to pay for lunch or movie I would…but I will not tell you to your face, online, or on the phone that I do want the pretty things. I’d feel demanding…

Honey. We’ve been arguing lately, haven’t we? Oh I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think it’ll right itself when I see you…I just get nervous we’ll get so upset with each other you won’t come to see me.

I feel insincere when I tell you some things… I feel like I don’t mean it then but I know I’d mean it later. I think it’s true too. Maybe I should just not say it if I don’t mean it then…but it’s when you’re not there that my feelings just explode…then when you come back I calm down and I’m alright. Oh hon…it’d just be so different if we saw each other all the time…I know every other weekend is so much better than how it used to be…but I really feel like it’s not enough. Perhaps though it’s making our relationship what it is…I don’t think other girls really appreciate seeing their boyfriend every day.

I miss you so damn much, hon. Two days is too much. Be here now. :(

Just hug my lips and say good lies

Here it goes again.

Lookie here. I’m on Rinnah’s site.
I think it’s better this way so I don’t have to be dependent upon my brother’s exgirlfriend. :D
*will write more later*

One, two. One, two. This is just a test.