And our empty sky was filled with laughter
Just before the flood
Painting worried faces with a smile
“Stand in front of the mirror, and count backwards from 10. If you can stand there until you reach o, well…”
Well then you like yourself. I know that look, I’ve seen it before, I remember it. What little I had known of you, I remember that side glance. The fleeting smiles and laughs, fans waving, masks playing. Delicate slender white fingers spinning a web of facades. Don’t give me that, we both know what’s going on.
Welcome to the 21st century, my ass, you jerk.
Tut tut, let’s put away the painted faces and talk like how we should. Simply business, right? Of course. When I said half, surely someone would have caught on. Right? Half-cousins? It was a pun, a joke, a play on the truth. See, I wasn’t lying. It was a play on the truth. I am half of what you are, cousin.
So don’t smirk at me like you know it all. So don’t stare at me with those fucking eyes, like you know everything, like you know my, ah, what was that? My sins? My so called wrong doings? We’ve both played with fire, I just so happen to still be youthful while you older. Let me see the mistakes and errors myself. Maybe we’re different.
Mother, I won’t babysit you and watch you don’t off yourself. And while it’s always been a weird fear that I’d come home to find you dead–I’m not going to pick up your pieces.
Liar liar on the wall, whose the fool of them all?
Say I, say I. Anxious, sure.
But upset? Maybe not. Let’s pretend though. I didn’t want to go to school. Yes, let’s use my mom’s new found desire as an excuse to stay home.
Shame.
Shame.
Lights, lights, lights, so many twinkling lights, floating and falling and dancing in the chilled air. That’s what I want, I choose that.
It’s odd. It came to my attention that my birthday is next week. I had forgotten. I forgot again even until Will reminded me.
I realize why I hate December. It isn’t so much because it’s the last month before I wake up, and it’s not so much Jayden and Lydia…
Oh no, it’s the presents.
I hate presents so much. I always have. I can’t describe why. There has never been anything that I want, nothing that could satisfy my needs. It was always a disappointment. I had no need for toys, they didn’t last long. Movies are watched once. Clothes mean nothing. Books collect dust. Nothing. Nothing at all. I want nothing.
They make me anxious. All wrapped up, the expectation running high. Knowing that whatever is in the pretty box is nothing that I want.
I pretend, sometimes, to want things.
I don’t want the 360 for reals. Sometimes I pretend a lot more because of Elizabeth–or it’d be cool in a story, or because…
I. Want. To. Feel. Normal.
It’s like how I don’t actually dislike Marvel. It’s like how I don’t actually care about DC. It’s like how I pick out fictional people to not like so I can feel like I’m like everyone else, with the whole ‘disliking’ thing.
I don’t want anything. And even if I did, by the time I got it, I wouldn’t want it. If I got a 360, it’d sit there. I’d need a new thing to want.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the video games, playing them are fun. But they just don’t give me anything. Nothing material can.
