All these words that we speak casually

There’s always drama before/during holidays, a sort of bad luck thing that I tend to skip away from. Last year there was two sets of drama on the same day, on Thanksgiving, and now last night, a night before thanksgiving. I just don’t like Thanksgiving–what the hell do I have to be thankful for? I suppose a lot of things, but not anything I really want to admit to or share. Plus, I really don’t like my family. Or do I? It depends on my mood and how I want to present myself. Fern I love, my cousins–well, I do, but I’m annoyed with them. Who thought I’d ever carry a grudge?

 

 

It all will fall, fall right into place.

You feel
The force of nature
We touch
And something charges

It’s something that’s overwhelming and I feel completely abandoned, though it’s something I could fix if only my mind didn’t spin tales. And all I want is to curl up and cry. And cry. And cry.

Work for it bitch. Now take off your pants and dance.

McRinny xB: I didn’t know if you wanted to do that journey alone or not.

Ckwhy425: If I get lost

Ckwhy425: YOU’LL KNOW

McRinny xB: o.o My Jew senses will tingle.

Ckwhy425: Yes

Ckwhy425: That and you’ll hear an accident on the radio

McRinny xB: XD

McRinny xB: Well…

McRinny xB: At least then you won’t have to see Twilight.

Ckwhy425: YAY

Ckwhy425: DEATH > TWILIGHT

So now I’m feeling extremely foolish for my behavior of yesterday, nearing on embarrassed. I don’t like sharing my grief usually, and I was completely out of control and out of line. I’m grateful for Snarf who helped me out, and to Tara–I just wish I was more level-headed to be thankful rather than freaking out, stuffing my face, and drinking myself to sleep. With pepsi, of course.

What more, Will might not be able to make it to the movie tonight, which sucks, because I don’t want to be surrounded by crazed fans without him. I guess I just want him to suffer with me. Cruel, no? How can it be love if I want him to suffer? I should hope him not to be able to see the movie, and be cramped in the crowed theater with us, but I’d miss him, and I’m anxious about how I’d get home. Clearly Wally will drive me, but I hate giving directions at night.

I think I need saving the most.

Shock is the first thing that filtered through me, and I hate how you went about saying it. Numb, completely numb, and disbelieving–should I even be allowed to feel those things? Considering our relationship, I feel like I shouldn’t, like it should be nothing to me, but it is something. I hate knowing that you died without knowing that I wanted to see you, that I wanted a relationship with you.

Why is it that everyone in my family dies? Do I even get to call you my family? And here I am, sitting, crying. Isn’t that pathetic? I’m so completely selfish. I cry because I didn’t get the chance to make memeoris with you, I cry because I’m bitter and angry that another person left my life. You’re suppose to be here for me to meet, you’re suppose to be my dad, you’re suppose to live forever even if we’ve never met.

I never meant to bad mouth you, I never meant to mock the idea of you, I never meant to use you as an excuse. And now you’re gone, and it’s just another thing to add to my list, and now you’re another thing for me to feel bad over.

And fuck, I’m crying so hard I think I might puke it all back up, and my head is spinning and it hurts, and I just wanna curl up and cry, and cry, and cry.

You’re just following Hitler’s orders, but I’ll be back with cake.

Okay, so having Victor, lovely mister Kitty, as a muse was a completely moronic thing to do. He’s like Mischa and Jayden combined with such animalist rage that it’s almost pee-producing frightening. I’m surprised he actually agreed to being my muse for a bit, though I’m not sure he realized he had a choice. What more, he came to school with me, and curiously, still somehow violently, explored my classrooms, mimiced my professors, and ripped apart things. Holy hell. Having him breathing down my neck while taking the road test was not a plus. He kept pointing out things I did wrong, told me to do this and then quickly barked out “Just kiddin’!”

But Victor is my good luck charm, and so I let him loose in Ellenville. If he likes me, he’ll come back. If not… well I guess he’ll spook the towns folk.

“I wish there was like a GED for college. We could take it together and rule the world.” -Molly “We could share the lols and kill things and then get dobs somewhere together. I’m going to be a massues lol spelled wrong. When I get enough money I plan to open my own spa.”

“Oh, I plan on being a guidence counselor.”

“Yay. >:f beat the children. Beat them with soap until they’re normal. Like us.”

I’ve asked Molly that if I come up for a weekend if I was allowed to stay at her house, which she said I was, as long as her parents didn’t know I was an internet friend. Which is fine. I plan on going as much as I can.

I think it would be amazing if we lived close by to each other, though I’m sure when she’s not with a client and I’m not with a student we’ll be texting each other things and mocking the kids/clients. Or she’ll tell me about her sex life in detail while I’m talking to a troubled child. I DUNNO MAN.

So midnight, on Friday–I guess, it’s gonna be actually Saturday–Wally, Tara, Will and I are seeing Twilight. I’m not so much looking forward to it. Tara had previously thought that because it was midnight that nobody would be there, but I have a feeling that it’s gonna be so packed that we might not find seats together, and there’s always the high chance that Will has to pick his sister up at 11.

I had origionally backed out of seeing it, since Tara wanted to see it opening night. So a month ago she went to preorder the tickets and found it to be sold out. Wow. A full fucking month in advance. Are these pre-teens all on crack or something? I mean, Werewolves are cool and all, and so are vampires–but I’m a Harry Potter fan, and not so much a Twilight fan. Bella has no personality, other then her deed love for Edward–but I can admit the author writes well, and has a way about alluring her readers. So that’s respectable. I just wish she made her characters have more depth to them. Eh. It’s more of a teeny romance than anything. Which is fine. But honestly, she really could have stopped after the first book.

So anyhow. I’m going to be surrounded by fangirls who obsesse over something I don’t really care for. Wally, who got talked into going, talked me into it, by promising to snap anyone’s neck who comes near me, and I, inturn, pleaded with Will to come. He finally agreed–mostly because Tara already bought the tickets.

Something… SOMETHING… bad is gonna happen that night, I just have a feeling.

I’m a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance.

I’m just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don’t know where to go, can’t do it alone
I’ve tried and I don’t know why

Maybe it’s because we’re more like best friends, two complete immature prats, than anything that we get along the way we do and connect on a level that I’ve never dreamed of connecting on. There is no embarrassment, no topic left untouched, no secret kept hidden. It’s free for-all of just truths and laughter.

But it’s been that way from the beginning; just laughter.

Sitting in the waiting room of Nicole’s shrink, time passing by and I was suppose to be home thirty minutes ago. The room is overly bright, newly remade, and smells of turkey and gravy–we assume the Shrink isn’t coming out for Nicole because he’s devoring an entire Turkey dinner. Time clicks by and Will turns to me, “Potato” he deadpans, emphasizing the p, causing spit to splatter all over my face…

And I crack up, nearly peeing myself in the process.

It’s been a year and almost two months, and still, nothing but the amount of time we’ve spent together has changed. Since the start of our relationship it was smooth and open like this, no topic forbidden. But I wonder… Why no butterflies? Surely true love has butterflies, doesn’t it?

I’ve been bratty and pressuring him to buy me an engagment ring–just to be a brat. He won’t, since he wants to “buy you a really nice one”, which means he’d need moneys, and because he and I both know nothing would change. I still wouldn’t be allowed to sleep over.

I need a job and a place to live. I had a dream Ryan and his friend Shane, despite not knowing him–why’d I even dream of him?–, bought this shabby Ranch that had a basement, and the old couple was desperate to sell so it was pretty cheap, and they decided to leave most of their furnature in the house when they moved–so I left home and moved in with them, and got a job. I think it would be nice to live with Ryan, to be roommates. xD To bad he lives in California. He should move to New York. It’s amazin’. I’ve known him since I was 13, him 15.

I have another road test tomorrow, which I really don’t feel ready for. Blah, I don’t know how well I’ll do. I’m worried I’ll get an anxiety attack.

So this morning at 9, I got dropped off at Will’s, and at 9:30 Wally came over, which from there we drove to the bank, then the mall for L4D2, Assassins Creed 2, and Modern Warfare 2 and of course Senzu Beans at FYE. The Senzu Beans are pretty good, actually.

I don’t really like L4D2 much, but Ellis makes it all better by making me laugh a lot. Blah. Modern Warfare 2 is amazing from what I’ve seen–Homfg. I like Wally’s gamertag, it kind of makes me wish I had my own 360. Though at the same time… when would I even play? Never. I’m way to distracted to play, and I’m usually with Will anyhow.

I mainly don’t want to drop out of college because then I’d have to get a job, which means even less time with Will. And it’s awful how I center my priorities around him.

UGH.

UGH UGH UGH

I hate Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Jesus Christ, he does a terrible job, he’s WAY to much of a pansy, and, his looks? Pfft, non-sexy. So I’m back in an X-Men kick, so we bought all four seasons of the origional X-Men cartoon. You gonna end up like Storm… in da box. Hehe. KNOWLEDGE IS POWAH.

I’m thinking of having Victor as a muse, just because he’s violent and he’ll be destructive while I’m at school. Distracting, yes, but amazingly fun to watch.. Mmmm. I was gonna have Professor X, but his mind reading would get old fast. Kurt would just poof away whenever, and I’d lose Mystique. Sure, I’m well aware that Victor may just tell me to fuck off, or slash my room apart, or whatever, but he’s completely worth it.

That’s not anxiety! That’s the urge to kill!

She’s about four, I think, shoulder length chocolaty hair and small staring dark eyes. Her name is Jayden and I nearly died–what are the chances of that? And spelt the same way too! Jayden, Jayden, Jayden. Chrissa call her Jay. Her younger brother runs through the room screaming “JAAAYYDEEEENNN” in a high pitched drawl-screech and I stare. And stare. And holy hell do I ever stare. Three devil children running about, smacking, hitting, wrestling, yelling. This Side-Quest–shut up, it’s totally a side-quest, kay? I don’t care if there’s nothing else–is turning out to be more than I bargined fer.

Maybe I should rethink having children so soon. With The Day After Tomorrow spooking me from the TV, and a hot plate of Baked Ziti in my lap, I don’t know how anyone can stand to baby-sit. Plastering a smile to my face, I hide a grimance, a wave of fear washing over me. Children scared me.

But…

So now there’s two Sam’s I can’t stand. One, I use to love like my brother. The other–well, who cares about that Sam, eh? I can’t, and I won’t understand what happened. How’d it all go down hill? Jen no longer feels anything? She’s a walking zombie? And he hasn’t been to school since, when? September? Where’s the lovable brat I grew up with? What is this talk of suicide? How does everything get so tangled and distorted? Pathetic angst, you aren’t real, you’re just a heartless git. Can’t you even see you’re ripping your family apart? Sorrow is one that I know only briefly.

It’s heart wrenching to known this, and a horrible sense of helplessness jolts. What the hell can I do but offer my home? And still. What best friend am I? I can’t even do anythin, and do I even get to call myself a best friend? With months of absenses–and yet it’s her. We’ll always be close, despite the lack of seeing each other, ’cause that’s love.

Yeah. Forced to go to church. You know. Hate.

McRinny xB: Lets go to a club.
derblauenSharpie: K, be there in 12 hours. >.>

 

My daily pill in take. I just got new batteries for my camera, and like any other normal girl I decided to start taking pictures immediatly. Just of my pills though, trying to get an artys shot. I ended up failing MISERABLY, but hey, what can I do? I’m not a photoghrapher.

I’m still anxious. All these medications, and I’m still anxious. No matter how higher the doses go, I’m still freakin’ anxious. Maybe it’s just how it’s always going to be. I spent the entire daying sleeping against Will ’cause I’ve just got so much anxiety.

So, we bought ff VII, ff VIII, ff IX, ff X, ff x-2, ff xII and Dirge, plus the guide books for 9, 10, 10-2, and 12. Which is great. We just finished CC, and KH–which I now want KH2 <3. So, we started playin’ 9, his favorite.
And I fell asleep for most of the beginning. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. I’m just so tired. I’m not so excited about Christmas, hell, it’s not even thanksgiving yet. Will and I decided to spend Thanksgiving at his house this year, like last year, which is alright, I guess, I was kind of hoping to see Cousin Fern. She rarely comes up and I really need to catch up with her. But whatevs.

So Melissa has a… friend. Who is a booooy. He looks like a red-headed fatter version of Dennis, with a squashed face and pimples… or are they freckles? But I like him. His name is Tommy and he’s the sweetest boy I’ve come across in a long time. He cheriesh her, and it’s a shame. I hope maybe she won’t hurt him or twist him around her devilish fingers.

So Nicole is getting pretty serious about Lu. A few times a week she goes down to the city to see her. I’m hoping this one lasts, cause I really, really like Lu. And Liz got a boyfriend! At first I liked him… he’s a bit older, and he isn’t attractive but he treats her right.
He’s just an ass to Will. D:< Which means, I don’t like him anymore.

You eccentric, billionaire playboy man, you.

underneath the moon,
underneath the stars
heres a little heart for you
up above the world,
up above it all
heres a hand to hold on to

A warm lazy haze falls over me and sleepily I snuggle closer to the where the heat is being emitted from; the soft dark purple fabric. Oh lovely love, how can anyone in their right mind resist cuddling up to such warmth? How can anyone not be lulled to a lazy nap, much like a fat cat on a summer day?

I’ve said it before. I don’t want to make memories with anyone else but you, darling. I don’t want to love anyone else’s smile, and I don’t want to laugh with anyone else like I do with you. I can tell you anything without feeling embarrassed, I can finally be me. I don’t have any use for lies, even small white ones.

With the world of pretend playing at my fingertips, I much rather play in reality with you. Oh, darling. You know what you do to me. I wish I could pour my love into a little jar, and show you. I want to hold your hand forever, I want my fingers laced with yours always, I want to be able to smile at you for the rest of my life.

We’ve come so far in our relationship, but that’s only month-wise. I feel like I’ve always known you, I feel as though you’ll always be my best friend, whether it’s romantic or not, as long as you’re in my life nothing can be better.

RIKERS, RIKERS, RIKERS~!

You made me swear that our hearts will never die
No never, no never
‘Cause no one seems to believe that we can fly
Forget them, forget them
Oh..you told me

Long since the days I laid besides you in the fields of gold, as the lazy sun bathed us in nineteen forty’s warmth, German planes flying through the cerulean skies, big white puffy clouds creating illusions. Long since the days I felt the blades of grass brush against my chilled, wind-bitten, cheeks, long since the days we laughed–rather I laughed and you gave a ghost of a smile–long since those days  that felt so real. Now just faded memories that haunt sanity, and play with it like ice and fire. If it felt so real, was it? Or is the mind so broken that it fabricates such memories?

If you saw me now, what would you say? That I’ve succumb to peer-pressure? To my own rebellious needs? Do you think I’m a fool? That I take everything for granted? Things that you, yourself, could never have.

Echoing laughter, I follow the two into the jeep, Wally climbing into the backseat with me as we speed from campus. An entire week I skipped, to do god only knows what. Burger King, the Mall, going to Jersey. English gives me bad anxiety. That’s no excuse.

We discovered the new imported Monster, with it’s brilliant tabs. To be honest it tastes better, or maybe it only feels that way because it’s imported.

And then there’s the side-quests, bringing Nicole, her gorgeous girlfriend Lu and her two stereotypical black friends, with their stereotypical names, and every other word being; “Daaayyymmm” in a high pitched tone of voice, attitude lacing their words, to night clubs. The adventure starts at 9, and it should only take an hour there and an hour back, but I end up getting home past midnight. With Nicole screaming into her blackberry, ‘Mother-fucker’ this and ‘Mother-fucker’ that, scaring off gas-station white guy with a black girl attitude ‘DAAAYYYMMM’, I finally get strawberry milk. Yum.

“Hey Sarah,” Lu calls from the backseat.

“Yeah?” I answer, tilting my head to see her better. She throws me a pointed, but curious, look, her gaze flickering toward the clock. 11:25 glowers back in glowing red letters.

“What time do you have to be home?”

“Nine…”

“Nine… Tomorrow?”

“Nope.”

So Will and I have started playing Kingdom Hearts, the first one. He’d bought all the Final Fantasy games on Ebay, but he doesn’t wanna start playing them till he finishes Crisis Core on the PSP. He’ll probably be getting Rich’s old PS1 game system, and he already got the PS1 memory cards from Dan.

 

Blue.

Her name is Blue.
And, oh, she’s so lovely. Big brown eyes, maybe with an ochre tint, but mostly brown, like creamy chocolate.

Her name is Blue, because what other name is there to remember? Especially with fury blue glaring down into your mind, what else can you remember?
Blue. Like a cat.

She’s 5′3, because of her father, but with a round child-like face, because of her mother. There’s a way about her. The way she walks. The way she talks. The way she moves about, carrying a careless authority about her.

Defiant, but a bit idiotic, it’s true, she’s a doll. She’s tough as nails. She’ll handle what the world can offer, and withstand most emotional turmoil with grinning ease.

Blue is perfect.