Cuntpunched in the jaw, are you serious?

English Midterm–oh lord, you were a laugh. Though it did nothing to soothe my anxiety. Does anything? Sorry, not even darlin’ Will could–actually, I think Molly would have been easily, but, ah… Laura told Will to turn my phone off and take it. ‘Cause, like Molly, I would have texted during my midterm.

Earlier that day, while Molly was taking hers, I sent her a text: ‘THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA’.
She replies, “D: Please NO ITS SO UNCOMFORTABLE SITTING IN MY DESK WITH MY FEET RAISED TAKE IT BACK OH GOD”.
So I went from XD to D: and told her it was now pudding.
“THE PUDDING FEELS GOOD AGAINST MY CHARRED BONES.”
Laura thinks we’re nuts. :’D

Eh, and then, I had to wake up Will. There’s something about going into his house while he’s sleeping and crawling into bed with him. It does something to me to see him sleeping–he’s just so adorable. Still sleeping, he nuzzles closer, pulling me closer.

So I press my dead-cold feet to his legs, waking him up. Somehow, I ended up calling him a fatfuck–
Laura: D: FAT FUCK? WHY YOU CALLIN HIM A FATFUCK?
Den we drove him 2 da midterm lol

Anyway.
‘Sit with your class!’ teachers would call over the lazy murmur of all of ninth and twelfth graders.
We were like fat lazy sheep. All of us. A murmur of complains and groans kicking up like smog, the frantic annoyed teachers flocking about like scatterbrained chickens.
‘Sit with your class!’
Frowning, I looked over the sea of idle faces, and looked at Will, scrunching up my nose as he continued to criticize the school’s  way of managing us.
Grumbling, shuffling our feet like sluggish cows, rather then sheep, we meshed together, moaning the whole while.
Will tried to give me comfort, kissing the top of my head, his dark, dark blue eyes washing over me. And Snarf hugged me–and that gave me comfort too.
And then I saw Jen!
:’D And she was in my class. And together we bitched, huddled up.

And into the cafeteria we went. Honestly, I would have been more of a wreck without Jen there.
FUCKING SHEEP.

That midterm… what the fuck? I was done within the first 45-50 minutes. And boredom hit me hard.
What got me nervous was how…
o_o Other people… started raising their hand for pieces of paper… OH GOD. THAT MADE ME MORE NERVOUS. IT WAS A 200 WORD ESSAY, YOU ONLY NEED THREE FUCKING PARAGRAPHS WHY ARE YOU GETTING ANOTHER SHEET?
And I watched them…
And then I looked at my own.
So I bullshitted a front and a back. I mean, fuck, seriously. WHY?
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?
And then I still had an hour left. OH. MY. GOD.

So I pretended I was taking my O.W.L.S. Fuckin’ Dumbledore. TAKE THAT YOU ENGLISH FUCK.

Laura says I have a dirty mouth.

I’M OBSESSED WITH JUSTICE LEAGUE AGAIN.

And then… The Dentist. Mom bribed me with pizza…

D:< AND KAGGY IS GONNA SWEEP OVA, SON.

Barry, don’t hate what you aint.

Backtrack, rewind, skip.

If that’s okay
Then by your side I’ll stay forever
Here I am standing up

“If you were the last person on Mars, and you could have any type of person with you, who would you have…?” Mrs. Carter’s drawl cut into my thoughts and I jerked my head upward, slamming my hand down onto the desk loudly as I bounced out of my seat.

“TOM RIDDLE!” I screeched. “And we’re recreated Hogwarts!”

“Muggle,” Wall-e growled under his breath at me, turning to give me a scowl as Katie shook her head, wagging her finger from across the room.

“Sarah, he’d kill you.”

“It would be glorious!” I cried back passionately.

“I’d want a celerberity clone for all my own,” Katie decided happily and I scoffed.

“But that’s creepy!” She shrugged. “If you could make a clone of anyone else, then anyone could make a–”

“Sarah, it’d be my clone slave to do whatever I pleased with!” She huffed, grinning and I burst into cackling.

With all this said, and a trip backwards, I don’t want to be medicated. It switches back and forth, doesn’t it? I most usually just tell people, “I’ll go get medicated” after a bad episode or whatever to please them. To make them think it’d be all better. But really… I don’t want too.

Only this time I have to. I crossed a terrible line and mom says it’s time to go back to therapy. But only for anxiety medication! Because anxiety leads to paranoia, which leads to delusions. So… yeah.

On a better note, DC vs Mortal Kombat is the fucking coolest shit ever. The storyline is absolutely fan-fuckin-tastic. Though it’s Barry Allen and not Wally West, which BOTHERS the fuck outta me, but hey. I’m cool with it, I just pretend. It really gets to me that it’s Captain Marvel in there. What the fuck? He’s not important… Where’s Jonn?

But Deathstroke… mmm. New obsession, anyone? Who knew he’d be so… appealing? I like him, and he kicks ass. But Kitana can suck my balls for all I care, she just has… too many awesome moves. YEAH. JERK. Sub-Zero and the Joker cracked me up. But the Joker ALWAYS does that…yeah.

Honestly, I doubt anyone has the type of sex Will and I have. Sure, I know that people have great orgasmic sessions of throat-desytoying sex–yeah, us too, but… I doubt anyone is on crack like we are.

He started talking dirty–god, and it’s wonderful. There’s something about being called a narrow-minded piece of shit in a low growl that just gets me. Yeah, and I’m not sure how this happened, maybe it was the blankets, maybe it was because how late it was.

“Yeah, you take it Batgirl,” he growled in this HORRIBLE deep Batman-like growl. “Rararararaar! I’m BATMAN.” Kneeling as he continued, he held the blankets up around his shoulders, like wings, or a cape, and flapped them. Turning his head, in a high picted voice he cried, “Holy cupcakes Batman! What are you doing to Batgirl?!” Then, growling, he said, “Shut up, Robin! It’s your turn next, go put on your rubber spandexs that I made for you.”

Gasping for air, laughing so hard, I thought of Molly. Oh god Molly would totally join in on this. Lydia, at this point, popped her head up and Will saw her.

“CATWOMAN!” He screeched in the same Batman-growl voice. “She’s in the batcave!”

Then, grabbing the two-foot tall penguin he bought for me, he began imitating the perfect penguin sounds, making me think all the more of Molly.

Freaks. We’re all freaks.

Snarf is right.

Maybe it’s time for medication. Pride aside and my anger, she’s right. I may be fine with coping with most things… but there’s a line, and it’s been crossed. Feeling like everyone wants me to kill myself, is one of them. When logic goes away and suicide looks like the only option…

Then that’s the time I need help.

Escape.

Please.

Running is what I do best.

Elizabeth, you’re a bitch.

Anxiety.

D:

Maybe I like being medicated. So that’s why I stay away. Bitter. Red Flag. Maybe I’m just always trying to escape. So medicated. I had to be carried. Slurred words. Burning.

God, the burning.

Rip, riiip, rrrriip.

A lot of the anxiety comes from the change. New stuff. Change. I don’t like when school changes around. Art history. No more Prep. Study hall. That and Snarf wishes I’d go away forever. I know. Jayden tells me. Jayden wouldn’t lie. She hates me ’cause I’m a bad friend.

I’ve been listening. To those sweet love songs.

By the way
By your side I’ll stay
If that’s okay
Then by your side I’ll stay forever
Here I am standing up
Because I want to fall in love with you

And I smile, thinking of how beautiful it would be to bleed. How happy everything would be. I would laugh and laugh and I need it. Oh sweet glorious destruction. I want to hurt because I hate me too.

Everyone is dancing. So much dancing.

I just wish Elizabeth would just play with Nathan. Why is she doing this to me? What have I done wrong? Am I not good enough?

I don’t like eating or sleeping anymore. I dunno. My friend came back. He sits on the bed. He found the way to the basement and he watches me again with his big dead eyes. And he just waits for me to sleep.

Cause he knows.

He knows. He knows. He knows.

Or maybe he wasn’t there. I don’t remember. I just know. I know like he knows because we all know.

There’s something I can’t quite explain
I’m so in love with you
You’ll never take that away
And if i’ve said it a hundred times before
Expect a thousand more
You’ll never take that away

I don’t know why, but the words anger and confuse me. It’s like… it’s telling me to get a knife. You hear it too, don’t you? Yees. Yes everyone hears it and we’re all gonna dance.

I sure do want to go dancing. I want sunflowers. God, I’m just so anxious that I feel sick. Sick I feel so sick. It’s so loud and I wish the music would go away.

I just want to do so many horrible things but I don’t. I don’t because I’m not a cutter, I’m better then that. I like it all. But sometimes there is too much milk and I don’t like it when we go down the steps.

I want to eat so I can throw something up. Cause I’m angry and I want everything out of me.

And here comes the chant. I’m so superier ’cause I’m not suicidal. Nah nah nah. I’ve never ever tried, and I never ever will. I’m the better Ralson. All of you, all of you, you’re all suicidal. Dan did it, Alan gave up and gave in, Mike is in the army–suicidal bastard and mommy wants to.

So I win.

And here I am complaining. God I sound so annoying. Do it again, do it again, stick it in so it hurts and fuck me so I cry. Make me bleed. I dunno why I’m complaing. I have nothing to complain about. I have a good home and yet I parade around like I’m awful. Awful.

Wish it was warm out so I could have a sunflower. I want a feild of sunflowers.

Big Red Cup filled with all my everything.

A brief bout with a razorblade cut me
I freaked out, thinking people didn’t love me
I watched closely as the you I knew forgot me
In letting go, I am so proud of what I’ve done

At times like these I’d rather vomit up all my feeling into a little cup and then play hide and go seek with a pair of you-know-whats and the lack of reality, just to feel like metal cooling the skin and the much needed release. When it comes to being fucked up, I still have my little fucking superiority complex, like the little high class facade brat mommy made me think I should be. With a condescending tilt to my head, I scoff. I may hurt myself, but I am SO above then those cutters. I’ve got so much class!

A voice is there to dare me…

I think, maybe just this once. See, when I get all fucked over in the head, oh no, hah! I don’t think people don’t love me anymore–maybe just my mother, but bitterly I laugh. I laugh and laugh and continue my silent defience of making any noise, sitting all alone in my bed, grinning twistedly, glaring at the wall. I won’t make a noise, I’ll take this in silence. When agony and sorrow is suddenly all I know, wave after wave hitting into me, I’ll take it and wait.

Liars leave a guilty trail
And I’ve lied for  fucking years
That must be why I’m sitting in this space
Disregarding I’ve created monsters
On both of my sides
So I wipe the blood from both their eyes
From all four of their eyes

But last night action needed to be done. Sitting there, imaging Tom Riddle–ah, of course, good old fucked up Tom Riddle who knows what it’s like to feel what I do better then anyone, and the things he’d say, I know today is the day that I’ll do it. Normally in all my pain, I don’t reach out. I hate people knowing, I don’t want to be near anyone.

Bitterly, I know I’m reaching out to keep myself above cutters. I seek distraction. I turn to the only one who has the power to make me forget. I go to my Molly. I ask her to make it better–she tells me Tom Riddle is feeling the same.

I laugh. I laugh and cry and the pain breaks over me and the silence flees and I’m left feeling ruined–I beg reality to flee, but my determination to be better then those other fucked up people takes me and I’m close to cutting my hair off. And there is so much noise and the room spins and spins and spins and I’m left sobbing, shaking so hard it hurts. I know what caused this, I know what’s going on and why it was triggered. But I won’t say it. And if anyone takes a guess, I hope they won’t say it to me, because I’ll never acknowlegde the red flag. I’ll never.

I know it must’ve started at that dinner. With Will, his dad, mom and sister.
He coughs, a piece of chicken going down the wrong tube and she flashes her dark cold devil eyes at him.
“I hope you choke on it,” she spits out and Will just ignores her while I frown.
“No, I don’t want him to die!” I cut in, leaning closer to him. She smiles sweetly at him.
“Then you guys can be together forever and ever.” She answers and I blink at her, confused.
“How? He’d be dead…”
“Yeah, you too. How would you like it? Do you want to drown?” The words left me numb. “Or would you like a bullet in the brain?”

Do I want to drown? Do I want to be dragged down to the depths of hell? Such a thing it is to kill myself. Am I doomed to such a thing? Will looses it, hissing angry and terrible things at her, bringing me closer, but…

I just feel so numb. So empty. So gone. I think of Daniel, and we go back to the car. I attempt to burst into tears, but his voice soothes and distracts me, only a few tears leave me.

This mess I’d made of someone’s dream
Now you see what I’ve done
When the weight of all the world’s gone wrong

The anxiety makes me sick, and I’ve refused to eat. I just can’t, I feel so guilty and awful. I’m sorry Snarf, I can’t communicate well and I’ve let you down again. And I just can’t sleep, and the anxiety makes me sicker–I’m sorry. I wanted to go during the week, to the mall, when there was more time. I mean, I just want to do something real terrible to myself to make up for it for you. But Jayden says you must hate me now ’cause I’m always letting you down. He says I should cut away the sins. Cut, cut, cut–how glorious it would be. He’s right and I just know it, ’cause… well. I get more anxious when people don’t reply to texts. The silence just makes me nuts. It’s okay, Snarf. I know I’m a bad friend and I’ll leave you alone. You deserve better.

And everything is so loud, and I know I’d enjoy it. Oh I’d enjoy it so much, I’d smile and laugh, and it’d all go rriiiip. Riiiip. Rippp. And the relief would flood me. And everything would be silent.

A strange thought crossed me this morning. If anything ever happened to Will–like death, I’d be a wreck. And I would need Molly’s constant attention. I realized I could probably make it back out. But if something were to happen to Molly… I don’t know. I don’t think I’d ever be okay. I’d be lost and I’d stop. I’d just end too. She’s got something that nobody has. She’s got a piece of my soul. And she is like my heart beat. I wouldn’t survive.

My anxiety and sickness just keeps worsening. Why won’t Elizabeth know Nathan? Snarf had said something like it was because of Will and I just don’t understand how the fuck that could be. The idea of it makes me confused and angry. Elizabeth didn’t change because I met her, or Kaggy, or Molly… why would she change because I know Will? That’s like Molly changing because I know Will. That’s silly. And Elizabeth hasn’t changed–she’s the same dumb fuck I’ve always known. It’s just around Nathan.

They.

Don’t.

Known.

Each other.

Kaggy says I can’t push people into a relationship, Venny says they probably got into a fight.

FUCK EVERYTHING.

JUST FUCK IT.

D COLON OPENCARROT

Snarf said somethin’ to me today. Well, she says things to me EVERYDAY, but, ah. I guess I was trying to feel not so alone in this–but, hey, I’ve always been extreme haven’t I? I’m almost one-tracked minded, especially when it comes to my latest passion. It’s just never been someone that is seen by everyone else–and nobody seems to even REMEMBER how much I care about Molly, who is neck to neck with Will.

I throw myself fully into it–and it makes me feel awful that nobody takes my writing seriously, like they do Will, or ever complained about how that’s all I did–Except for Laura. Or if I rather hang out with Nathan all day instead of going to the mall–nobody said to me, ‘Now you have Nathan, it’s like he’s your whole world’. Billy once angrily yelled at me for putting writing in front of my friends, but, then, he got over it too. What really pisses me off was when nobody EVER said anything about Molly. Nope, just Will. Just real Will.

I guess I kind of wanted a pat on the back. Like a ‘hey, good job, you FEEL something, and this time we KNOW the person is real!’ Maybe I’m just bitter at everyone else for being so normal, for so long. I guess I’ll always be alone in that.

If I love, I love passionately with everything I have almost to an obsessive point, foolish as it may be. And there only a few that I do love–I can count them on my hands. I guess I didn’t want to be the only one who suffered, maybe it’s separation anxiety, maybe it’s abandonment issues–

OH AND DON’T GET ME WRONG, SNARF! You love passionately too. You love beautifully. You love without pride getting in the way. I know sometimes you misunderstand me when I write, and I’m gonna make it clear that I’m not comparing us in any shape or form, nor am I trying to make one better then the other. Though, you could easily win. You can feels things that I probably can’t even dream of feeling. You’ve always embraced the idea of love, while I scoffed it off until I could no longer deny it. And still, I’ve got so much pride that I won’t allow myself to feel or even think things.

What this is about, is what you said. About if you spent everyday with FAJ, your relationship would burn out. No. No, I don’t think it would. Not in the least. Isn’t that how marriages are? Being together everyday? I think you and FAJ, no—I know you and FAJ are going to make it. And you can spend everyday with him, and your relationship would not burn out.

Like, I love Kaggy. I love her to death. She is my blood, my family. In a way, you know? We can spend a full week together, just laughing and pissing ourselves–but no more then a week. After, fuck, like… 4 or 5 days, we’ll start to get sick of each other. She and I, we couldn’t hang out everyday forever, that would ruin our relationship, our friendship.

But with Molly. Shit, I could spend the rest of my life trapped in jail with her somewhere, and everyday we’d find something new to laugh our asses off with. I can’t go a day without talking to Molly. Our relationship hasn’t, and will never, burn out.

And I hope I didn’t offend you, ’cause that seems to be happening a lot. I say something, and you take it the wrong way. You  think I’m attacking you, or you think I’m spiting you, but I’m not. I just wish you could see the positive. I want to show you that I don’t think relationships burn out so easily when you meet the right person. I mean, look at my parents. Since they were 14!

I wish you could see how pretty you are. Like how your eyes flash when your mood changes, or how your hair makes you look like a pretty soft doll, and that grin you have–it’s so adorable, almost like a kitten getting into a box, type of grin, you know? I wish you were another person looking at yourself, so you could laugh to the witty things you come up with, and so you could admire.

Ahh, someday, Snarf. Someday. I just hope you aren’t angry at me for puking this all up into a blog.

Wendys is suicidal food, says Batman.

SkankinSnarf: Could you go a day without eating?
o_o I have, a few times.

When I was revolting.

‘No wendys.
‘
Me: D:< THEN I WON’T EAT.

re·volt·ing  Pronunciation[ri-vohl-ting]  –adjective  1.disgusting; repulsive: a revolting sight.

Sometimes I hate it when it gets noisy. Although it’s rare for me when it’s silent, and I’ll admit it’s slightly unnerving, there’s an amount of noise that I can, and cannot tolerate.

I really liked that braclet too. It only fit my wrist, just barely, made for a child. A native American child. I got it a few years ago, and let it sit in silence.

Until I wanted to wear it. And I miss it terribly, but it got so loud. On friday, it had become a broken record. Maybe I was half crazy with my emotions, maybe I’m supersitious, maybe I’m just idiotic. I’ve always assumed if I got rid of the new thing, everything would go back the way it was.

Maybe it was the images burned into my brain. I don’t often get choked up in class, and I usually can keep myself from losing it.
But watching rape wasn’t something I accounted for. Especially in such a place.

And I could still see it, him pinning her down. I can still hear the screaming. It shouldn’t affect me so bad, but it does. I can still remember the things he made me do. I feel sick at the thought. At the memory of the movie.

And like a broken record I heard it. Over and over and over again.

I guess I want to say I’m sorry. I don’t know to who I am, but I just know I am. I guess I’m sorry for me. Two years, and it’s like none of that matters. It’s all gone. I guess I should have tried hard enough, but for the time being, it was so glorious. I enjoyed what I did. Enjoyed the pain, the relief it brought, how easy it was. God, I’m sick.

While the car ride was silent, it was noisy. You know? The constant broken chipped record repeating and repeating and I couldn’t hear anything else, and it was just echoing and echoing. The braclet told me too! I had to do it! It told me, it really did, it told me to do it and it wouldn’t stop until I did!

Will wouldn’t talk to me unless I did. It knew, and I knew. He doesn’t realize, but it’s true. Yes, it was my fault that I couldn’t realize, yes he wasn’t angry–but if I hadn’t thrown it across the parking lot, later on we still wouldn’t have spoken!

It was 5. We hadn’t spoken to each other since I got to his house, around 3. I thought he was angry, and he thought I was angry. But I was half crazy with rape thoughts. With the noise. If it wasn’t for Molly, and her random inputs, I might have gone worse.

It was two days since I had eaten and I plain out refused. Thursday I had an anxiety attack that destroyed me for a while. I was ill. It was one of those bad ones, you know? Shaking, trouble breathing–god. Oh well.

So there we were, silent, untouching, in riteaid. The plastic lights blaring down in a humming wave of searing lies, the shelves stacked up with towering fake boxes and actors pretending to need  their medication.

Trembling and nerotic with lies, I grasped his arm, holding it to me.
And he smacked me over the back of my head and drove back to Pizza Hut, out in the dark and cold, looking for the bracelet despite my pleas to let it be.

I had desperatly tried to make him understand.

And then, yesterday… Oh the dizzy spells. I hate those too. I’m not sure why, but I get this feeling of falling foward, and then its all rocking, and there is a sort of weird panicy feeling in my chest.

Nobody has ever taken care of me before. It’s nice. I’ve never been carried to a couch. Or carried up the steps.

“No, no, no, I’m fine!” I cried back, my voice slurred and strangled, a wave after wave of dizziness spilling over me as I clenched my eyes tight, thrown over his shoulder as he marched up the steps.

Scoffing, he dropped me and with a surprised “Oh!” I staggered to my feet. He raised his eyebrows. “Alright, then walk to my room.”

Huffing in reply, I straighten myself out, gave him a haughty look and attempted to saunter away only to sway and collapse as the hall violently shifted. Gathering what little dignaty I had left, I crawled, badly into the room, the floor rocking like a boat under me.

And still today, oh how the world likes to rip aggressively from under me. How everything rocks and shakes. Laura and my mom keep asking me these weird questions, looking at me oddly, holding me close and wondering if, ‘it’s okay?’. I hate it when they do that to me. I get so confused.

So Dumbledore and I are fighting again. No surprise there, though, right? HC shit. I wonder when Nathan will come in on it. Things with Elizabeth and Nathan got worse. They don’t know each other anymore. So I’m trying to get them to be friends, but fuck, it’s tough, since Elizabeth doesn’t hang around Abraxas’ crowd anymore. And Julius has forgotten his infatuation. She tortured him anyway.

No, Elizabeth is still good with Eileen, but Eileen’s good friends with Alphy now, so. So that’s Elizabeth’s crowd. I’m flustered about it, but I can’t do much. Nathans got to get it together, and Abraxas keeps changing on me. Aristocrat prick. Goddamn him and his crowd jumping, and if Elizabeth wasn’t such a forgetful cunt she’d know this shit.

She’s gotten cold and distant, though, as of late. I think HC and her are gonna keep playin’ that dance of facades and masks. Shame, I was hoping for a bond. Though I won’t lie, stabbing herself in the hand with a knife was brilliant. It got Abraxas and Theo to leave her alone–which, wasn’t what I wanted, but, eh. Got to choose battles, huh?

I wish Nathan and her would just make up and fix everyone else’s memories. They need to be friends again. She was so happy being apart of the elite group of government haters. Now what? She’s a social outcast?

Oh, and a tad crazy. And not in a fun way. In a ‘I HAVE ANGER ISSUES’ way. Speaking of anger issues, or as Melssia says ANGER MANAGERMERASfaf LOL, Laura and my mom think I have them. Oh, surprise surprise, I always have SOMETHING.

But back to Elizabeth. There isn’t much I’m willing to do now, she’s a bit jaded and angry. But I do think I like her autosuggestion telopathy. The whole ‘hallucinations’ thing has always been my cup of tea, and weeding images into other people’s thoughts is brilliant. If it wasn’t for HC, though…

Here’s to you. Stop telling me things in my ear.

FLDoo (12:03:07 AM): …molly from school??
Mollyburt x3 (12:03:12 AM): No.
Mollyburt x3 (12:03:15 AM): >_> Wait..
Mollyburt x3 (12:03:20 AM): What school?
Mollyburt x3 (12:03:31 AM): What’s my last name?
FLDoo (12:03:38 AM): north shore
Mollyburt x3 (12:03:51 AM): D:< What’s my last name?
FLDoo (12:04:00 AM): i dunno your last name but molly is in my american sign language class
Mollyburt x3 (12:04:27 AM): YEAH YOU SHOULD TOTALLY GRAB MY ASS WHEN YOU SEE ME NEXT TIME.
FLDoo (12:04:53 AM): wait are you serious
Mollyburt x3 (12:04:56 AM): Also fondle my tits.
Mollyburt x3 (12:05:00 AM): Yes I’m dead serious.
FLDoo (12:05:39 AM): how can i believe you
Mollyburt x3 (12:05:49 AM): Only one way to find out, right?
FLDoo (12:05:55 AM): ask??
Mollyburt x3 (12:05:55 AM): Just do it.
Mollyburt x3 (12:05:58 AM): No
Mollyburt x3 (12:06:04 AM): I don’t like a man who asks questions.
Mollyburt x3 (12:06:09 AM): I like assertive dominant men
FLDoo (12:06:19 AM): but i thought you thought i was a creep when i told you that women belong in a cage
Mollyburt x3 (12:06:33 AM): I was kidding around. DUH. LOL Wanna hear a joke?
Mollyburt x3 (12:06:36 AM): Women’s rights.
FLDoo (12:06:39 AM): sure
Mollyburt x3 (12:06:41 AM): LOL

Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce GO

SkankinSnarf: I freakin hate it when someone comes up behind me with a whistling tea kettle. I know how you feel Rin.

It was a real oh shit moment, you know? The kind where your breath catches in your throat, where you can feel your heart literally stopping in place. The feeling you get when you hop in the bus and you suddenly realize you’ve forgotten that essay that was due.

I was sitting in Taco Bell, just having finished my first taco, eyeing the rather nice ass of dark-haired stripper kneeling on the bed, her large white high heels calling out to me as the tattoo on her butt remained unreadable but interesting on Will’s dad’s cellphone–when it hit me like a cold splash of water to the face.

I forgot to celebrate Tom’s birthday! Nine days after the fact, it had just hit me then. Every New Years I bake him a cake, and slap up the ‘70′ candle or however the fuck old he’d be, make everyone over sing. And every year starts off great.

No wonder shit went down right away. How can we have a good year if Tom Riddle is pissed at me? And right away Nathan and Elizabeth start.

Fuckin’ Fable 2. Though I have to say, despite the nightmares, Left 4 Dead is WAAAY better. Oh my god.

I’ve come to the startling realization that I miss the Bastard, meaning the cash register, of course. He might’ve been a real asshole jerk to me, mocking me and playing prank, but he was reliable… kind of. And I miss him. We had our moments, and he used to please me sometimes by ringing up $19.43. Mm. I miss talking to him.

Right now my main issue is to get the medicine cabinet to stop talking to me. I’m not sure if the pill bottles are being sarcastic to me or not, but everytime I walk into the kitchen, they start up from their hiding spot. And when I take two, they tell me to take more.

One will knock me out. Two will make me drowsy for a day or so.
But I want to take more. That’s why I’m not trusting myself to go near them anymore, not while they keep urging me on.
I’m pretty sure its sarcasm anyway.

There was a time, I remember, where the nurse’s office was an awful place, cold and cruel, the walls gooey and threatening to claw at you, the beds old torture tables with pillows on them, broken and bent and rusted as the death curtain hung around them, and the bitter old woman sitting there.

I’m not sure how my entire life got turned around, but I suppose it’s art’s fault. ‘Cause when the anxiety gets to bad, I flee, and suddenly… it’s become my safe haven–with it’s soft heavenly glow lights, and it’s warm comforting buzz… I lay there in the deep green gushed beds, listening to the the security radio and their bouts, the soft murmur of complaints streaming from kids that often visit.

It’s really nice to wake up and know who I am, to know who everyone is. It was our, Snarf and I’s–or is it me?–, first gym class, really, since I’ve gotten back on track, and it’s nice to be able to talk to her, and know who she is.

And while everything may be dandy for me, the world just keeps falling apart. Well, at least I feel more now, huh? At least I’m back.

Oh Quantum Immortality, how you slay me.

We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
We’ll have Halloween on Christmas

Jack and Sally had always been, and forever shall be, once secretly, my favorite couple. Even through my anti-love days, they had always played a role in my head. I wanted that. I wanted a crazy relationship–feh! It’d be more then a relationship, I would never belittle myself with something called a boyfriend, it had to be so much more–it had to be one. And I wanted that stream of togetherness, the entire world as one person when we were together, to be the dance at the tip of sanity, where reality played in the background. I wanted Halloween on Christmas, I wanted to break free.

I had unwittingly found what I’ve been searching for. And while my main reason for existance seemed to fit all together when I slammed myself into Molly’s life, laughing and pissing myself as I went, I tripped over someone else along the way and tumbled down a hill I didn’t think I could find. It became something I forgot I needed.

When I found Molly, I felt a sense of ease, you know? Like I was put here to watch after her, make sure she’s happy. And then I stumbled into Will.

Laura tells me not to make him my entire world. My pride fuels up and I scoff, sticking my nose up, when something dark inside of me stirs. I had unwittingly made him my world when I glanced at him, I had doomed myself. I remember the horrible sense of dread I felt when he first drove me home–I remember sitting in the car, one foot out, my fingers clutching the handle, my eyes flickering in his direction. I laughed nervously. Please don’t let me go. Please take me home with you.

School days revolved around the end of 3, the end of 4, sometimes the end of 5th, and 7th period, along with 9th which was spent outside with you, where I’d stammer and try and make small talk.

Snarf once mention she knew how passionate I was about time with Will–I hadn’t realized I was until she said so. I don’t mean to be, but it’s just… I’ve never met anyone before where I needed to be near them every second. It’s as though I’m racing against a clock, like I may never see him again. It’s unhealthy, I hear people say, and it must be if it hurts so goddamn much when I spend a moment away.

I almost hate myself for what I’ve become–I loathe the realization that something is missing when I’m by myself, that when I’m not with him and I laugh to something funny I have to keep myself from looking around to see if he found it funny because he’s not there. Everything I argued against has happened to me.

Since the beginning, I had followed him wherever he went in his house. He soon started saying I’m like a little puppy dog–and I noticed that half the time, I don’t even realize I’m following him. It’s gotten to the point where we do everything together–even go to the bathroom.

Frankie told me that I was like Bella and I became devestated at the notion.

There’s a place I tend to go to when I become sad. I can’t explain why, but it’s always been my secret hiding place. The bathroom. I lean against the wall, bring my knees to me, and sit there–preferably in the dark. I also have to be near the door–of course, I’ve been hit in the face a few times.

And that’s how Will discovered yet another one of my secrets. And just like how Nathan used to, he sat down next to me, and glanced down. He asked if I was hungry, I said no, not anymore. Then I told him I felt sad–I’m always beating him up. He tells me that he deserves it because he eggs me on. And then he said,

“Sarah, we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. What do I care of scratches and punches?”

Sometimes I have trouble believing he really wants to marry me, but then I note–I really want to live with him for the rest of my life as well, so what’s so odd about it?

What I can’t get over is how… I just seem to feel like I’ve known him all my life. That I’ve kissed him before I knew him. What I can’t seem to wrap my mind around is how well he seems to just know me. And what bothers me is the constant need to be around him.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always held my own hand whenever I sat down. My fingers would just lace together, it was a habit that was near impossible to break. Then came Will. And suddenly I didn’t need to hold my hand, it felt fine.

I believe in reincarnation. And things are swaying in that direction, and I’ve admitted to things I never really wanted too.

My reasons for being massively in love with Tom Riddle. It wasn’t the fictional Harry Potter’s Tom Riddle, but the Tom Riddle version that I made up in my head, the one Nathan and Vincent both come from. The Tom Riddle who only has Tom Riddle’s name, Hogwarts, the time period and nothing more. The Tom Riddle that Jayden broke off of and turn colder.

That boy. That boy that had lived inside my head since I was younger. The one that used to be Sirus. Maybe I’m just delusional, maybe I’m trying to connect things that aren’t there.

Maybe everything that has happened inside my stories are happening now and I’m too proud to admit to any of it. I’m watching scenes replay before me. And all my habits, and all my secrets, and the things I’ve hidden from even Molly…

Oh and sweet Molly.
I had been thinking about it a whole lot more, and I couldn’t lie to myself. While Will may make the world fade and reality play, I’d always need my Molly. I’m a whole lot more unstable without her. And while Will can make me laugh and make everything wonderful, he can also make me angry or sad, and Molly’s always a breath away to make me forget my unhappiness. She’s always a breath away to heal whatever damage has made me stumble.

And while hurting over something–maybe Dennis, or just an anxiety attack, it isn’t Will who comes to mind first, it’s Molly, and I go searching for her, because she knows how to make it all better just by popping up and going, ‘o.o’ on aim or in messages, and relief trickles followed by her knowing, almost motherly, ‘Are you okay?’ and out spills whatever bothers me.
And then ‘ ‘_’ wat’
I wouldn’t be well off without Molly. I think I’d be a lot more broken up and ruined.

And my lovely Molly, love Doug, love him with everything. You and I have a special love, you know, different then romantic love, or family love. You and I… we’re just faggots. We have fag love. So love him, love him more then the world, it’d make me happy if you did. It’d make me happy if he realizes it and returns it.

D:< But I’m tellin’ you right now, he better beware, because whatever involves you, involves me, and I’ll be lurking in the shadows. Doug isn’t allowed to hurt you. And I wouldn’t attack him ever, because that would upset you, but he’ll become aware of my warth. And he’ll know and fear it.

And Snarf, you warm me with your happiness. And your love. And your FAJ. I don’t have much to say, you’ve been doin’ better from what I can see, but I’m biast, and to me everyone is happy. FOREVER. -STARES AT EVERYONE EVER.- o_o;
But you, you are my sister, my best friend, and I love you. And while I may go on and on about bizarre things dealing with Will, and my faggot love for Molly, I will never have anyone like you in my life. You’re my family, and I’ll remind you of this for always.
I remember when we had creative writing, and you’d tell me of this game–FUCK I LOST–and FAJ and Kami and Jason and vent–is it called vent?–and the video games… I knew. There was something about FAJ. And when you told me he won the game–SHIT AGAIN–and you respected him, you were sad, and you wouldn’t admit it, and I wanted to beat him up because he tricked you.
BUT NOW I WANNA BE ALL, “HA HA YOU GUYS LOVE EACH OTHER YOU BOTH FUCKIN’ FAIL FOREVER”. But that wouldn’t be nice and I think he’d be angry you told me such activities.
But, yeah. I could totally take him in a fight. I COULD TAKE HIM ALL THE WAY TO THE HOSPITAL SO HE COULD PAY MY BILLS. -Sobs violently.-
You, Snarf, you’re an amazing friend. You’ve dealt with more then I’d ever ask of you to handle. My crazy rages, Jayden coming out to be a bitch, mortal kombat in the computer lab over an essay, me telling you to go kill yoursefl… Jesus Christ. And not to forget my lost in interest with reality and being out of it for a few months.
And still, you take my hand, and lead me down the halls like the protective older sister, and pat my head, and make me feel happy. I always want to hear your stories, I always want to know the joy you feel, and I always want to be there for you.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it until you get it through your head.

D:< YOU’RE NOT FAT, OKAY? You’re lovely. You’ve got this kickass attitude, you’re spunky, you’re so outgoing, you’ve got this ease about you, you’re mega cool, you’re so very beautiful, and your hair is so pretty and soft. You’re AMAZING. And you deserve the world.