But something happened it’s so strange this feeling
Naive notions that were childish
Simple tunes that tried to hide it
But when it comes
We all fall in love sometimes
The thought of being antisocial sounds so delicious right now. I keep giving myself excuses. I’ve gone three months without relapsing, I deserve this! It’s not like I’d be gone-gone I’d just be emotionally unavailable.
I’m not an independent person, I need someone to hold my hand. It’ll be like that I’m thinking until the rest of my life. I need someone close by all the time, so I can know what reality is the one I should be in, to have reassurance. To be by myself for a full day in public would be taboo. It’s the biggest no-no I can think of.
That doesn’t mean I don’t like my space, or that I don’t like to see the world for what it is, to be on my own without any hovering.
I wish I could say I was okay. I don’t know how to ask for help, and I don’t like talking about me, I don’t like sharing my problems, and I have no problem writing them I just don’t want to hear them being sputtered back to me. I’m fine so far. Right?
I just didn’t really know where I was for a few periods. I just kept zoning out–like I was in a dream state as everyone around me just…
For a while I didn’t believe anyone was real. It was all just so fake, everyone was pretending so they wouldn’t know.
I’m not sad, I’m not. I just don’t know what’s going on. Like I know who Snarf is, I just don’t know her, I can’t remember why she cares about me or why she’s talking to me. I don’t know why we’re close. I just know its suppose to be that way. And I know I like her company.
I got half way through a text message to Molly–telling her something was wrong, that I felt like I was lapsing out, when I deleted it, because, I figured, if I was lapsing, I wouldn’t know. I wouldn’t know.
Suddenly I was with a pretty boy who was laughing, a warm smile on his face, sitting on his bed. And for a moment I couldn’t piece together that I was with Will–like I knew, but I didn’t, and I just admired him for a moment. He just seemed so different.
Everything just seemed so different.
And the walls in the gym were breathing and the windows were dancing, and I wasn’t sure who was talking.
I keep forgetting how I’m suppose to be. I just keep forgetting where I am and who I am and why.
It would be so much easier to just leave. And I want to, so badly. I just know that I’m not allowed.
And I don’t mean to be so dark about it, and I don’t want attention to be focused on me, because I know I can’t handle it, and there is just simply nothing at all to say. There’s nothing to talk about. I do not want to talk about it. I haven’t ran away yet, and I doubt I will. I just need to get to January and I should be fine.
There’s anxiety. So much anxiety, I think it’s coming all from Molly, and then there’s worry for Snarf, even if I’m having trouble remembering her, and there’s Will, and between all this, my mom is a nutter, we have no money and we’re gonna move, and there’s college, and keeping the charade up for the not loved school friends like Sango and Lauren and whatnot.
And the three people who keep me strongly tied to reality are constantly talking to me. Molly and Will seem to easily keep me in when I falter, and Snarf looks after me when I start to slip, she just seems to know and I remind myself to not falter so much. They keep me together…
And yet I’m still slightly manic. Oh good, like my mother. My speech is awful and I bounce from topic to topic and there’s so much. Just so much.
But I’m fine, I’m fine.
Because I have enough sense to write this, and I have enough sense to keep going to classes, and I have enough sanity to not fully fade out and I haven’t ran away and I’m alright and I’m okay and everything is going to be fine, because I’m handling it.
