Skipping dinner.

Sanity is a pretty ugly word. And when slammed in the face of realizations, I know I would never last a day on my own. Tick tock tick tock sanity is lost.
I’m convinced that nobody is left sane.
Whether it’s the sudden wrathful anger, the lurking depression, the lack of reality…
We’re all nuts.

And I’m sorry there is so much drama.

Mollyburt x3: So play any good games lately?
SADISTIC BAGEL: games bore me
SADISTIC BAGEL: ever since i realized that everything is profected through a television
SADISTIC BAGEL: a metal box
SADISTIC BAGEL: it doesnt feel right
Mollyburt x3: Oh. Well, I recently started playing a really cool one.
Mollyburt x3: I lost the game, though. Sucked balls.

I r Kira LOL: D: FUCK.

SADISTIC BAGEL: i dont play that anymore
Mollyburt x3: You can’t not play it, especially if you know the rules!

SADISTIC BAGEL: sorry im just not dumb enough to waste my time with that
Mollyburt x3: But you’ll waste your time with DRUGS? >_>

…o.o Anyway.

I’m sorry there is so much drama. I think it’ll always be this way–conversing through text if not on aim.

You’re the person I’d text if I was having a bad day. You’re the first person I’d text if Will unwittingly makes me cry. You pull me back up when I am unable to do so.You’re the person I end up laughing hard with until the wee hours of morning and you’re the person I can cry too, and you’re the person I love to take care of most when your life falters. I often realize how easier it is with you so close in my life.

Snarf’s troubles worry me. But so do yours. I’m always selfish, wanting everyone to keep a level of happiness that they can’t normally have.

You worry he’s hurting himself. You worry your thoughts are awful. No, your thoughts are yours, you’re allowed to dream up whatever you wish, and you need to accept them for what they are. You have feelings for your best friend, and nothing can change this.

Fights are always bound to happen, don’t take it to heart, you weren’t doing it purposely.

He slapped himself in the face and ripped out a good portion of his hair. I see some bald spots where the rest of his hair is thick. And Lynn stopped him.

He’s losing his mind, and I know its scary. I’ve seen something sort of that too. I can remember times when I lost it like he has–maybe not damaging like he has, but…

You need to trust he’ll be alright.

And you need to know I’ll sputter out anything I can about someone I don’t know. Anything to keep you calm.

They aren’t my friends but you love them, so their well-being means a fuck of a lot to me. If you’re upset, then I want it better. I want it fixed.

It’s amazing how so many things can go on and the world still turns. Am I going to one day get married to a boy like Will, and converse with you through text while checking up on Snarf’s blogs? Probably. Because I’ll never let you guys go.

Right now everyone needs to calm down. Everyone needs to accept whats going on, and everyone needs to realize its going to be okay.

But bathe me in lies, I’m a hypocrite.

Now that’s love.

Big dick in yer mouth all day!

Why should I be so down on myself while everyone around me cares so much that they will be there the very second I faulter? Why should I be so self centered? Hm?
You know how you have lapses in reality? I have lapses where I just fall into myself and wallow. I wallow about who I am and how I’m not good enough. I think of all the better girls there are and how they can sing or look gorgeous with all that make up…and I think… he’d surely want one of them over me…
Then I snap out of it.
I think. I shouldn’t need to be told something every day to know it’s there. Knowing it’s there is surely enough. Surely! And I know it’s there, and I know he feels it for me and no one else and I can feel it… but still.

Between you and FAJ, Rin, I’m pretty sure you two are the only ones who really mean you love me. Sure my parents can say it…but both of them only say it when they seriously mess up.
The way the both of you get upset when I’m upset… it’s a sort of loyalty…a love. It’s real.

Rin, I’m not mad at you. Have you ever seriously looked at yourself? You’re just about the cutest thing in the whole goddamn world. I could never really be mad at you… I just get jealous of what you have… not so much what… but how you have. How you have every day. How he takes care of you. How he’s always there for you. He saves you, Rin. Stephen just can’t right now, but I do really envy it.

_______________________________________

I think about him with other girls. I don’t know if I do it just to make myself upset or if it’s just the fact I haven’t ever seen him with other girls. But… he’s always laying down with her. They look perfect; they absolutely fit together. He has a smile on his face and she’s fallen asleep at this point.
I don’t know if I’m thinking about what the before me was or what but I dunno. It doesn’t always make me feel bad… it’s more of a curious thing to think of.
Rin, do you remember Josh? I was so worried he would like Sarah more than me. Although Sarah is extremely bitter, I know that if you talk to her for long enough, the bitterness goes away and what’s left is an awesome sense of humor…and she’s really very attractive.
Why do you think you haven’t met Sarah yet?
I’ve thought about Stephen falling for you too, Rin. :\ Wouldn’t that be nice? It’d be an awfully cute couple…

I don’t know why I do this. I’m not trying to hurt myself or anyone or anything but I get so worried when I get upset. I think that if I’m upset then he’s upset…eventually he’ll get sick of me being upset and want someone who isn’t always upset… someone who is usually happy and doesn’t let things get to her… I never feel good enough. He’s just too goddamn awesome.

It’s late. He said he’d call tonight…I have a feeling I’ll miss the call. Not on purpose, but bahcuz this new phone sucks at ringing when Stephen calls.

I give myself very good advice
But I very seldom follow it
That explains the trouble that I’m always in

Be patient
Is very good advice
But the waiting makes me curious

Mischa says,

That I’m being rude. She says that I’m not letting you live your life, Snarf. That I’m putting way to much expectations and pressure for you to be happy. She says that Laura is doing the same thing to me, and I have to let you do your own thing, live the way you want, without flipping a shit. She says that I’m being immature, that it should be expected of me to support you, and not get nuts just because you’re upset.

She says I need to put more trust in your ability to make the right decision for yourself, that I need to let you just be. And if you get jealous or upset or sad or angry, its perfectly natural and extremely understandable.

She says that I need to live my own life, and that I have my own happiness to think about.

o_o