Drunken slumber; idiotic tumor.

You’re a bitch. A big fat fucking bitch. The biggest bitch in the whole wide world.

Lacey, you don’t fit your name. I do not like you. Though that’s hardly saying much, I don’t like people to begin with. But you, Facely, I really don’t like you. You bug me. You’re annoying. You’re hurtful. You’re hurtful. You’re hurtful. All you do is bitch and moan and complain. That’s all I’ve ever known you to do. The internet boys. Ohh. You have a boyfriend, toots, shut up. The internet people hurt you. Oooh. You cry over EVERYTHING ever.

I don’t like how you treat Molly. She doesn’t deserve that from you. You have some serious issues; superiority complex, self-loathing, control issues, depression, attention whoreism.

‘Well I’m so glad for you Miss phony bitch princess.’

I’ve never, ever, had a best friend say that to me. :/ I don’t know who the hell she thinks she is, but that isn’t something you say to someone you love. Bitching at you because you edited a picture better? Bitching at you who you choose to care about? Bitching to you about a boy then bitching at you for your opinion?

I know she’s been there for you. And I know you guys go through a lot of shit, and you love each other…

But she’s a fucking bitch.

Lacey you need to grow up and stop hating yourself. You need to stop hating on people, like Molly, when you’re upset. You need to take a chill pill and relax.

Protected: Caffeine free.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Misunderstandings.

When I said I wanted us to wait until we met each other, it was before him, it was because I was afraid I’d run again. I don’t handle anxiety well. And, no, I figured the wet thing out for myself, on my own, out of curiosity. I’m confused and I’m tired of feeling like a bad guy. I don’t think you’re trying to make me feel that way, but I do. Because I miss being the friend to comfort you.

Molly, don’t doubt that I don’t know what you’re going through. I understand. I spent most of my life weeping and crying and drowning in the pain you are. Knowing my mother was so close, but so far away, choosing to be so far away. I know the pain. And I’m sorry I’m causing it. Is it truly so wrong that I tried to hide it from you? To protect you from it?

And what was I suppose to say to you? ‘Oh hey, I know you’re going through a hard time right now, but, um, I like a boy and we’re going out. LOL KAY BAI’?

I have never been good enough for you. You’ve doubted my feelings. You’ve doubted my honesty. You’ve doubted my ability to love you. You’ve doubted everything. And to be honest, that’s okay, it never bothered me, and I’ve always been happy to prove myself to you again and again.

God, Molly, I wish you’d see how worth you are for everything. You listen to your friends, there’s a hell of a lot better out there then me. I just don’t understand, why can’t you see? Why trail you along when you’re over there and I’m here? I told you we had to wait, didn’t I? Not because Will was in my life, no, but because I can’t be there for you. Like you can’t for me. You need someone who isn’t running away from reality, who doesn’t jump from obsession to obsession, who may or may not lapse out of it for a few months.

I guess I can’t grasp the full understanding of reality, my argument would be invalid.

And then I’m filled with so much longing that I feel like I’m cheating emotionally. Because I want to always be that one person to make you laugh. Because I always want to be that one friend to make you feel better. Because I can never see you out of my life. Ever. You crack a grin, so I crack a grin, and we’re both laughing, and that’s how it should be. I feel torn.

Guilty guilty guilty.

Today was almost like how it always is. I don’t want you to hurt. I like your happiness. I won’t let you read.

Cement.

You see them holding hands. They look inseparable. You see him put his arm around her and as he brings her in you think how nice. Could never last. They are the couple that’s young. They are new love.

We are that couple. And honestly…I see no reason for us to get bitter and have our love become angry. Why can’t we be together? Why can’t we just stay each other’s? There is no reason. Only a fool would look down upon our love. A bitter fool jealous of what they don’t have.
And we have it all in each other.

I know what it’s like to be in a relationship where you’re only there because you can’t get out of it. You make excuses and try to tell yourself that the person you’re with makes you happy…when they really don’t and you’re just hooked.
I had that with you before.
I will not let you have that with me. I can be better than that. I don’t want to hurt you…and it hurts me to know that I hurt you very often… close behind how much I make you happy.

Stephen! Don’t you dare ever think that I want to hurt you. I know you don’t…but in times you can get upset and I don’t know what you’re thinking.

I don’t know why…and it’s not to say your words don’t mean anything to me…but you’ve done certain things lately to show me that you’re serious, and, sweetheart…I hope you know what you’re doing.
You’ve told your parents about me. For a normal high school relationship that would just be normal. Going over his house, meet his parents, go to his room and hang out. Not for us…it’s quite different for us. I am young and it is clear to your parents that you’re serious if you want them to meet me… and I would really like to. :3
You told Kami. I don’t know if that was hard for you…I can imagine it would be but oh my god. I hope you know what you’re doing. You’ve known him a lot longer than you’ve known me…and he is a close friend… I hope you know him well enough to know he’ll come through and talk to you again…because Stephen…I don’t want to come between that. And I know I haven’t known him as long as you have but I don’t think you should underestimate his anger. What I did to him was very bad and although you think you have not wronged him, in a way you have.

I feel like I’m risky to you. That although I love you, I am young. I think I’ll be different when I’m older and if we’re still together if it’ll have a negative impact. Perhaps that’s why people who are together for so long begin to dislike each other…because they grow up and out of how they were…
I hope you can accept me as I grow and I don’t mean my age, but how I am as a person. It is likely to change.

Oh god. Stephen I love you. I’ve held back from adding ’so much’ to it because I like you so much and that would translate to loving you…but I don’t think love fits it. Adore is below. Like is below. Thinking yer kinda cute is below. I love you, Stephen. I love you so much.

And you’re a damned mad man for being in love with cement.

And somehow you’re full of forgiveness
I guess it’s meant to be

Anger.

Yes, I’m angry. I’m angry because I shouldn’t feel guilty. No, I did nothing wrong except try and keep someone I love happy. We weren’t dating. We hadn’t been dating for a while. So I did nothing wrong.

I have been trying my fucking hardest to keep you happy.
And you tell me how you want to kill yourself all the fucking time.
You tell me how miserable you are.
How the whole fucking world is horrible.
You say you hate yourself. Molly, you can’t love me if you don’t know how to love yourself.

You’re obsessed. You don’t love me. You love the idea of me, like the way I love the idea of Hogwarts and Tom Riddle. If you loved me, I wouldn’t be your world. If you loved me, you would be able to trust me and trust what I say to you. If you loved me, you wouldn’t worry about how you looked, or anything.

Excuse me for trying to be happy while you’re miles and miles and miles away sputtering how you want to end it all. How do you think that makes me feel? Do you even care? I try to save you so much. I want everyone to be happy, especially you. But I want to be taken care of. I don’t want to be stunning or perfect or amazing. I just want to be a person.

You dumped me a while ago. You say constantly how you’re no good for me.

I want to be happy now. I want to be happy always. I can’t sit around and wallow. I can’t sit around and wait. I want to live. I told you my heart was yours, and that I’d marry you when we could actually be together. Guess I’m too tainted for you now. And its fine.

Confusion;distraction.

Cheerful mode kicks in whenever I get upset. It’s always right on time, too, like there’s a timer going off, or bread is popping out of the toaster with a ding. Only… I’m still upset, and unsure of how to not be. So I’m trying to play the part of the happy kid, while crying hysterically, which makes me laugh, so I feel awful and cry harder turning my sobs into hiccups of cackles sending confusion to slam into me. I just don’t know what to do. I just don’t. I need a distraction, and I dunno what will distract me because I’m too upset to want it.

And I just can’t stop crying. And I want to hate myself. And I’m confused. And I’m scared. And I’m sad. And I’m so so sad and I can’t stop crying and I’m unhappy and angry and sad.

I’m just so fucking sad. And I want to feel happy. And I can’t remember, I don’t even know who…

I dunno.

Fail.

It’s called failure. Crack is the sound that echoes off the ribcage so violently. Inflicting pain is the one thing I fear, and hurting Molly makes nightmares look like a summer’s dream. Only once before have I ever felt like the world has had to stop, and this is my second time. Why is the world still moving? Why is life still going on?

I wanted to keep everything happy. It’s selfish. When it comes to happiness, I don’t care what I have to do to keep everyone that way. I feel like something thats dirty, I feel awful, I feel like a snobbish bitch. I didn’t tell you because you get so upset. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think it was important enough. I didn’t tell you because I so desperately want everything around me to be happy I’ll go crazy if it isn’t–especially you. It’s only what you deserve, the happiness.

It’s selfish, but I wanted to be happy. It’s selfish, but we weren’t, aren’t, together. It’s selfish, but I do like him. It’s selfish, but I wanted to be so fucking happy, I wanted to be taken care of.

Once, just once, I wanted to be the girl. Once, just once, I wanted to be the one in the fairytale that I’ve refused to go along with for so long. Once, just once.

I keep ruining it all.

Protected: We would act as mans do.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

And so on.

*sniff* Adorable movie.

I used to be completely wrapped up in having a relationship. It would be the only thing that could ever, ever complete me. The fact that I didn’t have anyone would be the thing I’d blame my depression on. Then from that things like ‘I was good enough for anyone anyway’ and things like that would come up.
Then. I got to being sex crazed and no longer really caring about a relationship, just where I could get sex and only that.

Oh but now I have you. How nicely we can bring the two extremes together. I hate thinking that this is all sort of pretend because I’m in high school and I’m pretty much always reminded any relationship you have in high school won’t last. Well, you’re not in high school…does that mean there’s a chance?
:3 Ya make me so damn happy that when I think about it I start to cry. I’ll honestly tell you I’ve thrown around the word ‘love’ and said it when I thought I meant it…but there is no other word at this point to describe how I feel for you.

Nungh. Rin makes me feel bad for saying I want you to get me things. I kind of wish I hadn’t even written it… I don’t need things to make me happy…I just need you. I don’t need sex or foreplay, I just need you near me. Your mother said girls my age are fickle…I know I’ve shown you that she’s right…but I’m pretty sure I can do a much better job at proving her wrong. I know I hate it when my mother’s right. ;)

I get so excited over you! It’s finally late enough where I can go to bed so I can wake up and see you tomorrow!
Maybe I can talk to you before I go to bed…if not, it doesn’t matter. :3 I can dream about you and I even get to see you tomorrow.

Oh love.

Here’s to me
To you
To us
To everything
I hope it never falls apart

Panasonic.

Laura once asked me; “Are you a moaner like your mother?”
At the time I assumed, yeah, I’m a moaner.
Turns out I’m actually a screamer. Turns out he can make me scream his name just with his hands. His sister thinks we’re having sex. I can’t, I’ve tried very hard to stifle my moaning–it’s impossible, I’m simply loud.

Losing control was something I worried over. I realize now I don’t have anything to fear. The lack of clothing–we can just cuddle up naked and not jump the gun to sex. And fuck his hands are amazing.
Fuck we’re always laughing.

I’m completely new to everything. Neither of his exs were virgins when they got together, both of them he had sex with within the first month, both the relationship was mostly about sex. He says he likes my approach to it all better. He says he likes that I’ve been untouched.

We’re sitting in Ruby Tuesdays, and I’m happy that he’s finally letting me pay for dinner. He asks me ‘what’s on your mind?’ and I peek up at him, a half grin forming.
“Do you really want to know?” I inquired softly. He nods and I toss a catty grin, amused. “It’s kind of dirty.”
So I tell him. Kitty ears, handcuffed, and wearing a leather collar, lapping his cum off the floor. That’s what I’m thinking. He wants to know more details–what I’m wearing, what he’s wearing, what kind of floor it is. I say tile, he tells me the bathroom in his house has tile. I tell him I want him to do me on the bathroom floor too. He promises he will. Eventually.

So far, every romance novel I came across has been wrong. Extremely.

I blew him for an hour. I dunno how long people normally blow their boyfriends/random strangers, but I feel like I should have done it longer. When we were at his dads house, I blew him again in the closest for only twenty minutes. Mm.
He still finds a way to make me laugh. I can’t even remember about what, I’m blowing him and he cracks a joke between a gasp and a oh god.

He says I’m amazing, I’m incredible, it feel so ‘fucking good’–dunno what he means, really. I want to be better then his exs.

I feel selfish for saying it–but I’m starting to hate being away from him. I even hate it when we’re in the same class together and I can’t touch him. It’s almost torture. I feel selfish because Snarf only gets to see her man once awhile. I feel selfish because I can’t get enough. I feel selfish because I’ve never wanted to be with someone so much, all the time. No, not like marriage–I don’t care about tomorrow. I live like today is it, and today I really, really want to spend time, every second, with him.

I like it when the second we’re alone, you slam me against a wall and begin to kiss me.

I’m not sure why, but I don’t want gifts. I never have, maybe that’s why Christmas bugs the fuck out of me. Just leave me alone! It really isn’t selfish to want your boyfriend to get you things–everyone wants to feel loved–I just don’t want anything. There’s nothing in this world that I could possibly want, when I feel like I have everything. I’m happy, and I’ve got you right now, what else could I need? But, then again, that’s just who I am. Objects can’t satisfy my desires. I want to be god, I want to make something beautiful, I want Elizabeth’s name to kick the fuck out of Harry Potter’s name. The things I want, I don’t want someone else to get for me. I don’t want to be bought things, if I want it, I can get it myself. I want Snarf and FAJ to live a happily ever after, I want my mother to get better, I want Dennis to not got to OCCC.

I’m going to do everything. The world is at my fingertips.

Break my body, with the back of your hand.

Its a fine line between pleasure and pain
You’ve done it once you can do it again
Whatever you done don’t try to explain
Its a fine, fine line between pleasure and pain

Thursdays are always my favorite days; and yet here I am, cringing at the sight of my own mother. The flat line of yes mother, of course mother echoing, scratching, and repeating constantly. Call me selfish, but I don’t want to deal with a raging hypersensitive nut.

I don’t want to hear her paranoid accusation. I don’t want to hear that creeping cruel anger that bites at the end of her tones. A quick snap, falling back into her irritable mood, her anger flaring, her paranoia.

Fuck this and fuck that.

Yelling. Screaming. Throwing things. Yelling. Screaming. Paranoia.

Is this my future?

This is bullshit. You don’t know anything.

Her sarcastic cruel sniping replies. It’s like she hates us.

Why do you believe me?

Oh God. I swear…I just keep lying.

I’m looking out for you though, really. I wish money wasn’t such a big deal…and I mean it when you don’t have to spend money on me. Sometimes it makes me uncomfortable…even if it is just lunch.
I don’t want to take advantage of you. I’m not with you because I want you to buy me things or because you have money… I’m with you because of how you make me smile.

But I just keep lying. I really do want you to buy me things. Pretty things. Things my parents can’t get me that a boyfriend would. I feel really guilty about wanting it too.
Just pretty things though…if I had money to pay for lunch or movie I would…but I will not tell you to your face, online, or on the phone that I do want the pretty things. I’d feel demanding…

Honey. We’ve been arguing lately, haven’t we? Oh I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think it’ll right itself when I see you…I just get nervous we’ll get so upset with each other you won’t come to see me.

I feel insincere when I tell you some things… I feel like I don’t mean it then but I know I’d mean it later. I think it’s true too. Maybe I should just not say it if I don’t mean it then…but it’s when you’re not there that my feelings just explode…then when you come back I calm down and I’m alright. Oh hon…it’d just be so different if we saw each other all the time…I know every other weekend is so much better than how it used to be…but I really feel like it’s not enough. Perhaps though it’s making our relationship what it is…I don’t think other girls really appreciate seeing their boyfriend every day.

I miss you so damn much, hon. Two days is too much. Be here now. :(

Just hug my lips and say good lies

Quick kiss of honesty.

I would start out saying, ‘I should come clean’, but to be honest, there isn’t anything to come clean about. I’m going to just spill my guts, and tell it how it is.

Molly;

You’re the girl that showed me that its okay to care about people above a fictional sense. You’re the girl that kept me up until the wee hours of dawn laughing about shit that probably isn’t funny to anyone else. You are my darling, the person I can see myself growing old with. Someone who–even if it’ll be a struggle because of our different views–I see myself raising children with, having a messy/clean house with, having fights with. I do want to have fights, I want to have everything with you. Your happiness has always been the most important. You don’t think you’re pretty at all, but I think you’re beautiful. You’re my best fucking friend. And nothing could ever change that.

And yet…

You get so down, you go to a place that it seems harder and harder to get you back from. You hurt so badly–sometimes over silly things. But I’d always be there, and always will be, to help you up.

And I just can’t stop crying, and I don’t want to stop, and I must be so pathetic, because, grimly, I realize I can use my own pain for a story–a fanfiction, maybe. And that’s what it always comes down to, doesn’t it? I can’t seem to want to stick in one reality long enough, I can’t seem to stick with staying in pain if its mine. And I try to make everything alright. I try to make everything perfect.

And maybe I try harder then I should. Maybe I cling so tightly because I think you’ll be like Daniel. Poor, poor mad Daniel I never tried to help him, I let him jump. Am I just clinging to you because I’m guilty? I do love you, that part isn’t a lie, but will I throw myself into a marriage because I’m trying to save someone who is already dead? And I’m not just talking about Daniel. You’re almost dead too.

Maybe I think you’ll be the only one because you seem to be the only one able to stick around after I went nuts–after I am nuts. You’d love me like my mother couldn’t.

And holy fuck, is it so easy to pretend to be happy, to make sure everyone thinks its okay. Good lord, I’m a horrible person. Is that I all do? Run away from everything?

I just want everyone to be happy. I just don’t want anyone to feel the way I had, or still do.

I’m not sure why, but I just love to act like nothing is wrong while I’m hysterical. Tears clouding my eyes, I replied to texts and IM’s like its all alright. Because it is alright. Being upset isn’t the end of the world. What difference would it make if I was crying my heart out or laughing my head off?

And the guilts fallen down.
And its a struggle to stay sad.
And I might as well ruin everyone around me and get over it, its what I do.
And I don’t know what to do or say.
And its hard to have something going on without be able to seek advice from your best friend.

Anxiety.

There’s something sickly nerve wracking like the realization that you might just have lost someone who you love. I’m going to be sick, I’m going to be so sick. I need to know, I need to know. I need to know I didn’t do any damage. Paranoia and fear always takes me–it’s the only thing that catches my breath now. Whether or not Molly is upset, and if its me who caused it. I need a sign, I need a clue.

Protected: “Christine! Christine!”

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: Fraction of sanity, turn on a dime; shatter.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Here it goes again.

Lookie here. I’m on Rinnah’s site.
I think it’s better this way so I don’t have to be dependent upon my brother’s exgirlfriend. :D
*will write more later*

One, two. One, two. This is just a test.

Protected: Been longing to stir you up.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: Perfection.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: Underneath the big black sun.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: You make me feel like a whore.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: Unregistered SIM.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: Superman has magnetic attraction, not gravity. Centripital motion, bitch.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Protected: You and your logic.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

I realize now…

…That you cannot save me.

Self destructive. Self loathing. Pity party.

I just have no idea what I’m saying or who anyone is. It’s just too much right now. I brushed against something worse then hell and I’m sorry. Sorry I can’t be strong for you. I just don’t want to be.

Voices overbearing. Jayden makes me think he’s right. Good.

Good.

It’s way to early to start acting this way.

And yet, a single word from you, and I bounce myself back up.

Protected: Dressed in all your fancy clothes.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password: